It is hard to believe it has been two years since I was
diagnosed with thyroid cancer. It seems like just yesterday that I received
that call from my doctor telling me I had cancer. Not a day has gone by since
that phone call that I don’t think about my cancer and how it has changed me.
It has been a very long, hard, journey and, for the first time in these last
two years, I can honestly say that I finally feel good and am happy with where
I am at.
It’s interesting with these “cancerversaries” because, on the
one hand, I am excited to have another healthy year under my belt and I want to
celebrate that milestone. On the other hand, in the weeks prior to my cancer
anniversaries, all the emotions and feelings of my diagnosis, and what I went
through, start to swirl back, causing a bit of anxiety which, in turn, make me
want to just get past that anniversary date.
Last year was much worse because it was all so fresh in my mind and I
still wasn’t feeling great. This year my
anxiety is not as intense but it is still lurking in my consciousness. I’m
hoping with each year that passes, this anxiousness will ease.
When I was diagnosed
with cancer it was quite shocking. I felt like a million bucks at the time and
I couldn’t understand how this could happen to me. With the help of my family
and friends, however, I became determined to kick the crap out of this cancer.......and
I did. What I didn’t realize at the time
was that, for me, going through the surgeries and treatment for thyroid cancer
was going to be the easiest part of this journey. The aftermath of cancer and the
medications I needed to take, and still need to take, to keep the cancer from
coming back, proved to be a much greater challenge for me. I had periods of
feeling really angry inside because I started to wonder if I was ever going to
feel good again. For over a year and a half, I woke up almost every day feeling
achy and tired. It was a struggle going out looking good on the outside but not
feeling so great on the inside. I had a huge amount of guilt because I felt
that I should be grateful for being cancer free, and don’t get me wrong,
because I was. I was also depressed
because I was in a constant state of fatigue. Running errands, figuring out
what to make for dinner, going shopping, making dinner, driving my four boys to
the gazillions of activities they had going on, and trying to make it through
my 12 hour shifts as a nurse in a busy emergency room all were so overwhelming. The guilt of telling
my kids I didn’t want to go outside and play with them, because I felt achy and
just needed to sit on the couch, made me feel like such a failure sometimes.
Deep down I knew my kids were just fine but I yearned to go out, run and play
with them.
In the beginning of this journey, I really felt strongly
that cancer was going to make me a better, stronger person. I definitely
appreciated my family, friends and health a whole lot more than I did prior to
my diagnosis. As the days, weeks, and months passed by, and I still did not
feel like my old energetic, fun self, I began to question whether this cancer
really was making me a better person. I certainly didn’t feel strong. Frankly,
it really pissed me off that I might never feel good again. It angered me that
I couldn’t control how I felt. I had to rely on a medication to give me the
energy that my thyroid used to do on its own but I was required to take more of
that very medication to keep the cancer away. That, in turn, made me feel bad. I
started asking myself, is this really making me a better person??
I began to wonder if
I just needed to come to terms with the “new me”. I even hoped that I would
forget what it felt like to feel good because then maybe I could deal with the
fatigue better. Maybe if I could just get used to it, the thoughts of my
fatigue would not consume me. The problem was that I couldn’t just get used to
feeling achy and feeling like my brain was in a fog all the time. It just all felt
frustrating and I came very close to telling my doctor that I didn’t think I
could deal with the way I felt for much longer.
Fortunately, a wonderful thing happened to me. I was given the great news that I was still
cancer free after my one year testing and, because of this, my doctor allowed
me to back off of my medications a little bit.
Over the next 4 months I began to feel less achy and have a whole lot
more energy. I felt like the fog was finally lifting and I was getting glimpses
of my old energetic self and what an amazing feeling that was! Now, two years
after being diagnosed with thyroid cancer, I have days where I hardly think
about my cancer because I often feel “normal”.
It is a beautiful feeling and
something I definitely do not take for granted.
So am I a better, stronger person because of this cancer diagnosis?
This journey continues to teach me a lot about myself. I am much more grateful
for each day.....the good, the bad, AND the ugly days. I might complain
sometimes but I am always able to put myself in check.....because I had cancer.
I am painfully aware that there are so many others diagnosed with cancer
traveling much tougher roads which sometimes lead to death. I don’t take life
for granted......because I had cancer. I see hundreds of acutely and
chronically ill patients every day in my job and I now know what it means to
not feel great for a lengthy period of time. I will never take my good health
for granted.....because I had cancer. I often see Facebook posts about how sad
it is that the weekend is over and it is only the start of the long new
week. I used to feel the same way, but
those types of posts really bug me now. I love EVERY day of the
week...especially Monday......because I had cancer. Life is fragile and things can change in an
instant. I know...... because I had
cancer. So, YES, I am a better, stronger person who is extremely grateful to be
healthy and I feel blessed to wake up each day and find the beauty in each
waking hour.....because I had cancer.
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